Vanity

The pyramids -- people built those as monuments to themselves.

Yeah, there is some afterlife bullshit reason about why they built them, but they were essentially monuments of ego. In addition, these people were usually hereditary monarchs, and from what I've seen of todays hereditary monarchs, this means they were probably a bunch of shitheads.

Shitheads with mountains of masonry dedicated to their shitheadedness.

So a little website dedicated to me ain't all that bad.

Okay, I might have a statue built if I were a god-king, but that's it.

Lost tribe

I heard about this "lost tribe" in the amazon rain forest that has lived in isolation. The Brazilian government flew over them and took pictures, meanwhile the tribesmen below shot arrows at the giant shiny bird.

The images were released to try to convince the Peruvian government to stop logging in the area, which has recently claimed that the people don't exist.

Anyhow, I was reading what the spokesmen were saying, and I was thinking that it sounded like these guys watch way to much Star Trek:

"We have been watching this isolated indigenous community for at least 20 years. The idea in revealing the photos was to raise the alarm over the risk threatening them," he said in a telephone interview from western Acre state, where the indigenous group is located.

"The world needs to wake up to this, and ensure that their territory is protected in accordance with international law. Otherwise, they will soon be made extinct," Survival International director Stephen Corry said.

Yeah, well, that is the Prime Directive.

Okay, maybe I'm the one who watches too much Star Trek.

Women don't like this field

Women don't like the subject line of a message.

It is always strange when I get messages with [No subject] or something like that. Most email clients warn against sending a message this way.

How about this as a subject line, "Some words, possibly arranged in a particular order."

That is pretty agenda-less.

Cost of Iraq war

I'm not sure I agree that the US should spend large sums of money on manned space exploration. All the Apollo missions were sort of "match this commies" penis measuring contests. I don't see a lot of science being done on ISS, etc. I'd rather we built more space observatories. Maybe just save the money instead.

Then I read this site.

I think we could do so much better than investing in this insane Iraq war. I still wonder if maybe there is just no way to avoid getting entangled in the insanity in the middle east. Iraq was not the place to go. That much is clear.

We've now spent over half a TREEEELION dollars in Iraq.

Captain Kirk could have fucked twelve Martians by now on that kind of cheese.

Oh well, who the fuck knows.

Women

I've had two women in as many weeks who gave me enough information to contact them, and then when I actually did contact them, they freaked the fuck out and became abusive within about 5 lines of dialog.
There is a reason I always ask, "Are you single?" When I hit on a woman.

I don't want to make you feel like a slut for thinking about me when you have a boyfriend. I don't want to break up a good relationship.

Any pretense about the reason, I've approached you should be gone, and if you aren't interested, tell me then. If you have a boyfriend you aren't too sure about, and you give me your number, don't get mad when I call.

Don't give me your number and then get angry when I call/txt. That's a good rule. I usually hit on completely sober women too, so there's no excuse there.

That's just crazy behavior.

Oh, and my web logs tell me who is visiting this site and from what city. So if the same person is visiting again and again from - hypothetically - Torrance, CA, I am going to do a little googling to see who it is.

What is really bizarre is this- I know I'm not trying to hit out of my league. These girls are not as good looking as women who actually have gone out with me before. Shouldn't they be eager to return my call?

I guess they'd rather stick with a d-bag who they know will be loyal than take their chances with a more attractive man. Frankly, that is bullshit. I'm not a player, not even close.

Oh well, all I can do is keep trying. I'm starting to feel like I've hit on every decent looking woman at UC Irvine (there are about 8 of them.) That is just bitterness though. Keep trying- all I can do. Ascetic monk is appealing though.

Strain

I feel like I'm pretending to be a human being.

Everyone else seems to have the capacity to accept social norms as though they are natural laws. I can't. I do observe that this capacity seems to ease the social interactions of more normal people.

I want to achieve this, at least I sometimes do. So I try to turn off the voice that says, "Why do things this way?"

Hemingway said, "An intelligent man must sometimes drink, so that he may tolerate his friends." His life didn't end up so well. Just a lot of misery and posthumous esteem that he probably wouldn't care for.

So I want to develop a persona that tells people, "I'm different, and it's okay."

Pretending I'm like other people is just going to wear me down. Although I also wonder if the problem is that I'm still just guessing at what "normal" behavior is. In that case I should develop a persona that makes people comfortable talking about themselves, so that I can learn more about them, and hopefully what they expect from me.

So... dealing with other human beings is rather like plotting the invasion of Normandy for me.

Anyhow, I may have committed a social blunder this week. I have to decide if I care. I don't care, but maybe I should try to?

Well, this thought is unraveling, and I don't know any way forward, so I'm going to keep going as I have been, until this narrative finds its end.

My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities.

- Albert Einstein, The World As I See It (1949)

Koala's

I'm saving this post for a time when I don't feel like writing anything, but I haven't posted anything for a while, so I want to put something up to prove I'm not dead.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koala

Koala's are interesting.

They have fingerprints that are almost indistinguishable from humans. Most primates have fingerprints, but they are rare among other mammals.

However, like most other marsupials, males have a bifurcated penis, and females have a matching vagina. I'm not sure exactly how this works, I'm afraid to research it to thoroughly. The internet has a way of biting you when you do things like search with terms "koala penis."

Koala's also have tiny brains. 40% of their brain cavity is fluid.

My theory is that the koala was Australia's attempt to evolve a humanoid. It gave them big brains and opposable thumbs.

Then they hit a little snag. Twice as many penises combined with good hands means twice as much masturbation. So...these little proto-human marsupials climbed up into the trees and just, you know, napped and masturbated all day.

Their large brains became burdensome calorie wasters, so they shriveled up.

They could have had the world, were it not for their bifurcated penises.

I'm so sad

It is an hour past midnight.

This site had at least 212 unique visitors yesterday.

I would estimate that I know 5-10% of those people personally. I mean, maybe I've only met them once, but I know them.

I get zero feedback on this site. Please send me email!

It makes me so sad. Actually it doesn't, and I suppose my aloof nature is apparent in my writing, which is why no one writes.

I'm currently really anxious about what I'm going to end up doing.

At this point, I think I will end up at UC Irvine, trying to get in to the the Informatics major. That shouldn't be hard, but I haven't to decide if I should start taking Informatics courses 4 days from now, or wait until summer.

I'll probably get in at a bunch of UCs...but not the ones I want. I'm not upset about it though.

BUT, I could still get in to UCLA, and I won't know for a month plus. If I take a course at UCI, it costs $800. That will be semi-wasted if I go elsewhere.

Actually the site had 421 visitors from 23 countries. One of the obscure countries was from someone I know...but they don't talk to me and hate me apparently. That is sarcasm. I don't think I've ever intentionally hurt anyone, which is surprising given my irascible nature. They don't hate me, but they want me to stop liking them. I've actually been in the reverse situation, so I understand.

Ok, this is rambling shit.

Tomorrow, I'm sending nice affirming messages to everyone I know. And working on my car. And going kickboxing to offset the nice shit. I hope I get up by 10;30 am.

Anyhow, as I said, my mother got a community service award, and ever since I've been thinking about what wonderful people I have around me.

Even worse

I can't distinguish friends from adversaries.

Today's disturbing insight into my mind

I have been trying to figure out why I can't remember people's names, facts about them, etc, even after several interactions. I have a generally excellent memory.

I feel like my social skills have improved immensely recently, and while I once considered myself social phobic, I am now capable daredevil acts of social interaction. Most people put public speaking above death on their list of fears, and I almost enjoy it. I can approach women I've never met, and hit on them.

But though I may now have made myself superficially extroverted...I still have trouble forming connections with others, and I think my poor recall is evidence of that.

I act as though I am engaged, but for most people, their social behavior has an emotional impetus. I still have this walled off, and my behavior is a studied exercise. When a woman rejects me, I don't feel a moment of pain, and I find I have trouble remembering her name as I walk away.

I really don't think I'll ever experience life like the vast majority do, but I'm starting to appreciate that. Finding your own way through life is exhausting, but it is the only way you can better know yourself.

The Wiki entry for schizoid personality disorder has a sub heading on the "secret schizoid," which describes some of the things I'm experiencing.

"Oh noes", what does it mean?

Okay, I acted like a 25-year old at five, so now at 25 it is no surprise that I act like an octagenarian curmudgeon.

With that said, I would like to lodge a complaint against the term, "oh noes."

I understand people dropping letters to save time, but now I have to add letters that add no discernable meaning?

Am I cool now, if I start doing this? Of course not, because the simple fact that a loser like me has heard of it means it is already on its way out.

By the time I convert to "oh noes"ing it'll subtract cool points every time I use it.

I already have a net deficit of cool points that is in the millions. Oh let's be honest, trillions. I used "awesome" for about a decade past its due date. I still say awesome.

This is why I stick to the classics when I need to add some cool to my speech; piss, shit, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

I'm not in the mood

To answer calls from blocked caller IDs.

Sleep

Only offering transience
But it is everything
And nothing
All that ever was over all that shall be
Not a quantity that
Undefined
Null
Not even happening
Fuck you to every neuron
Synapse
Neurotransmitter
Making me believe their ever was a moment ago
Making me believe their was a me
That their is a me
That their shall be a me
Tomorrow
When I wake up
If I ever sleep

Phil Collins vs. Peter Gabriel

Are they the same guy?

Their music is still popular, but...I wasn't aware enough in the eighties. Did they ever appear at the same place at the same time?

I'm not talking some long shot of them on stage from 200 meters away, I need close ups.

Maybe the guys who debunked the moon landing could get on this.

After all, D&D, Art Bell, weeping, and frantic masturbation (to artists renditions of Art Bell) can only fill so many hours.

Surely they have time to look into the Collins/Gabriel duality. The only real question-which is the doppelganger?

Animal cruelty

If someone say, "opposing animal cruelty," do they mean cruelty towards animals or cruelty by animals?

Ideals

Hummus is the perfect food (I don't like it.)
Gray jumpsuits are the perfect clothing (grey is not a word, and I prefer jeans.)
Dreadlocks are the ideal hairstyle (and they are utterly disgusting.)
Stan Smiths are the perfect shoe (but Mihara Yasuhiros are better.)

New Year's resolutions

I have no illusions. The expiration of an arbitrary chronological benchmark does not bestow anyone with any special qualities or abilities, specifically will power.

I think resolutions are useful even so.

Especially if you post them publicly. You see, just making a resolution does nothing to motivate someone. Posting those resolutions where people you know can read them means that there is some humiliation if you fail.

That is motivating.

So here goes:
• Get the car running.
• Get good grades.
• Move out of my parents house, hopefully to UCLA, though I have little control over that at this point.
• Try MMA for three months.
• Add 60 people to my contact list. It is a measly 29 at this point.
• Get to 220 pounds at some point in the year. Yes, I want to gain 15+ pounds. That sounds easy, to those who want to lose weight, but my narcicism sends me on a diet every time my waist gets over 33".
• Get out of the country once. Might just be Mexico this year, but I need to make this a lifelong yearly goal. Next year, I'm putting a new stamp in my passport.
• Write and release one piece of software. Probably something simple for this Blackberry. Maybe an app to send data to last.fm.
• Be unemployed. I can afford it, and the opportunity-cost of taking a job is getting high I don't want to be a 30 year old student or a 40 year o-. I didn't realize that when I was younger. I worked from 16 to 24. I should have been building a life.
• Continue this blog. I don't think it is worthwhile to try to promote it and make it a source of income, but it is worth the time to me.
• Run a mile in <6:30.

Maybe more tomorrow...

Declaration of purpose

I'm trying to get back to sleep, but I've been thinking about why I write this blog.

I have a hell of a lot going for me. I've hardly done anything with my life.

This blog is a public challenge to myself. I need to reform the way I live.

It is also an invitation for other people to participate in that process.

Lookin' good

It has taken me a long time to figure this out, but I'm an extremely good looking man. I won't bother justifying that statement, it is simply true.

It took me a long time to determine this, because of my strange adolescence, and my odd social behavior. My youth, and to some degree my life even to this day, was characterized by dysthymic depression. That means, I just don't enjoy life the way most people do.

In school, I didn't enjoy the praise of my teachers, so I didn't apply myself. I was considered a gifted student from a very early age, but by the time I was fifteen, it was drop out or flunk out. I had long periods of truancy, and I never did any work outside of class.

I also did not much enjoy fellowship or fraternity of my friends, so I let all those relationship fall away.

I probably could have been very good at basketball, like my brother was, but I felt that while there is no "I" in "team," there are two in "this shit sucks."

In my life, I have only pursued a few women. For a long time, I thought this was because of an anxiety disorder, but recent experiences have shown me that I have normal levels of anxiety in social situations. Indeed, in many social situations, such as public speaking, I experience much less anxiety than others.

The reason I haven't pursued many women is because I do not enjoy the attention and affection of women enough to put up with the stress they also bring. That is, unless they are extremely good looking.

So, back to the subject, because I never really pursued women, I never figured out what my worth was. An odd quirk of female behavior, at least in this country, is that women never tell a man he is good looking, unless he isn't very good looking.

Good looking women get compliments constantly, from everyone around them. Constantly. I have observed it. They usually answer to "hey, beautiful" as though that is their name.

I rarely get any compliments on my looks, except from women over 65 years of age. There is some kind of covenant that women hold; do not tell a man he looks good, he'll get a big head and become impossible to control.

But once they hit old age, they don't give a shit any more, and will say what they think.

I didn't figure out I was good looking from the words of old hags though. I have pieced it together from the few social interactions I have had, and it is the only way I can explain the way that people generally respond to me.

However, I must conclude this by saying that looking good can get you a phone number and a first date with almost any single woman, but it can't take you much further.

Women want a man who has high social status, men want a woman who has high fertility. That is the grossly oversimplified version of the evolutionary impetus for sexual attraction.

Being a tall, good looking, fit man is a kind of high social status all by itself, but when women find out I'm 25, unemployed, and living with my parents, that all falls away.

This post is brought to you thanks to an unnamed woman as well as supermodel/singer Carla Bruni and French president/hobbit Nicolas Sarkozy. May their love stand as a testament to the supposition that women are less shallow than men.

To no one in particular

I had a dream.
I was climbing an icy mountain. I slipped, slid down the slope and over the edge. But before I could understand what was happening, I was caught by my safety line.

Now I dangle, spinning slowly, and lacking the strength to climb up. Lacking also, the will to cut the rope. So I wait to freeze.